I have been thinking of assholes. Ever since Stephen Colbert referenced Windsor, Ontario, as the asshole of the earth, and then immediately revised that observation to state that the title possibly belonged to Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Whoaaa. Hold on there, Stephen!
Olga and I have just spent a few days there, in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and I have something weighty and considerably solid to contribute to a discussion on assholes.
There are assholes, and there are assholes, and some of them are more accurately called rectums. Or rectae, if you hail from Italy (birthplace of the Latin language).
Stephen Colbert is often described as a comedian. He has made a comedic reputation on TV by posturing as a Republican asshole.
Okay, I agree, the term may be a redundancy.The fact is, I admire assholes. Or, to be more accurate, I admire rectums. Or rectae, as the case may be. More specifically, I love my rectum. I cannot imagine getting along without it, so long as it gets along, if you know what I mean.
I have gone so far as to look into rectums. I have explored my own rectum with the aid of a proctologist and a scope, and let me tell you, it was a sensational experience. By it, I mean the scope. One never knew what lay around the next bend. By one, I mean me.
And once in a crowded mall, I crawled into a gigantic rectum in order to explore all the nooks and crannies and polyps. It was a beautiful experience. By it, I mean the nooks and crannies. The polyps, however, were ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I could get along without them. If I’d had access to a meat saw at that point, I would have excised them completely.
So, I can say with confidence, that I know assholes. And Winnipeg is definitely not an asshole. Nor is it a rectum. But Winnipeg has, I can confidently declare, its share of assholes. By its, I mean normal. After coming face to face with polyps, I know normal when I see it.
Olga and I were in Winnipeg to deal with the distribution of an estate. We met with beneficiaries named in the will. A couple of them were definitely assholes. From stem to stern they were one big polyp.
So Stephen Colbert was right. Canada does have assholes. He just located them in the wrong places.
As a parodist of the Republican party, Stephen knows assholes. Which is not to say all Republicans are assholes. It’s just easier to be an asshole if you are a Republican.
Let me explain.
(Continued in Chapter 2)