Can you see the elephant in ‘South-Central Ontario’ (the green area)? [Image submitted]

2 – The Ugly Ones

Many Republicans are more accurately described as rectums.  They are lovely.  They subscribe to many principles to which we all willingly subscribe.

For instance.   Some Republican principles are individual freedom, minimal government, and economic security.  These are rectal virtues.

However, when an asshole comes along, these principles are translated as predatory capitalism, corporate entitlements, and disdain for the less fortunate.

In Canada, the laudable Republican virtues are embodied in the Conservative Party.  I am sure that party has many members with lovely rectums, but I don’t associate with them that much (the people, that is), for they tend to congregate with assholes.

Before I proceed further, I must clarify something.  Stephen Colbert was linguistically incorrect.   He actually referred to Windsor and Winnipeg as rectums.  Or rectae, if you wish.   But what he really meant, and everyone knows what he really meant, was that they were assholes. 

I have known since my teen years that Windsor is not even the asshole of Ontario.  One of my more imaginative adolescent friends pointed out the true asshole of Ontario.  If you look at a map of Southwestern Ontario, you can imagine you are looking at an elephant.  The tip of the trunk is at Windsor, the front foot rests on Niagara Falls, the back foot stomps on Toronto, the Bruce Peninsula is the tail, and the rectum (to use the anatomically correct term) is located under the tail.  At Owen Sound.

Even my friend at the time knew that he was joking.  Unlike Stephen Colbert.  Who’s never quite sure if he’s joking.

Do you think this character could even find his own? [Image submitted]

And Stephen was also geographically incorrect.  For I hope I have convinced you that assholes do not encompass areas the size of cities.  They truly incorporate areas the size of certain individual humans, or in special cases, the scopes of their hearts and minds. 

But rectae, on the other hand, are lovely organs located inside human beings.  Without them, our hearts and minds would not even function, let alone get along.

In our visit to Winnipeg, Olga and I met heirs of the estate who were gracious and cooperative.  We got along together.  No doubt they have very lovely rectums.  As we do.

And because you are still reading this, I can say this with confidence:

You have a lovely rectum too.

Cherish it.


About EJ Lavoie

Writer and independent publisher with website
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